Light
by ricetard
Summary: He was his light, but he's never been his light. Light/L, friendship, tilting romance a bit. Slash  ish


He was his light.

Lawliet reflects upon this.

Yagami. Light Yagami. Light Yagami was his light. And Lawliet had known no other. He likes to lie, he likes to deceive, because this is the only way he can get what he wants—and he's lied. He's lied a plenty enough to Light Yagami.

Or has he been telling the truth?

Lawliet doesn't want to admit it. He's never known anything outside of knowledge. Because what worth is it being in the world, without having any knowledge? Without knowledge, you are lost, confused, you have no value for living. And Lawliet has always sought to make himself worth living for. Knowledge was worth living for.

Light was never anything to be living for.

Before Lawliet knew Light, life seemed to be going so fast, at a breakneck speed. Life at the Wammy's House, his childhood, seemed to disappear and all of a sudden he was older, more knowledgable, knowing more than anyone else in his year. In his life. In his world.

Lawliet was always someone people loved to hate and hated to love. Lawliet was perfect, in a sense—he knew everything, and even if there was something he didn't know, he could use deductive reasoning and logic to figure out approximations. He lied countless times in order to achieve even more information, and everyone knew who he was. But they didn't see into him. They didn't see the dark soul rotting inside of him.

All this time, Lawliet has been living in the shadows.

But then he met the light. And the light was something, something that could match up to his darkness—and in the back of his mind, Lawliet always told himself he was the "good guy", he was the judge, he was the one doing everything right. But he couldn't admit to himself that he was anything perfect, anything close to perfect, no matter what everyone told him. He couldn't tell himself he was right. He couldn't tell himself that he was truly the core of knowledge.

And all of a sudden, life suddenly stopped. Life stopped going so quickly, so extreme—everything seemed to work in slow motion, and Light, every time Lawliet looked at Light, he felt like there was nothing else important in the world. Who needed knowledge, when he had Light? Who needed to be perfect, if he had light?

Lawliet always denied his right to love.

Who needed love? Lawliet knew that love was the most important thing in the world, for most humans, because even the most stupidest of humans could perfect the craft of love. But Lawliet had succeeded in everything else—he didn't need love, because love was for those who were weak. And Lawliet, Lawliet had always told himself that he was not weak, he was strong, he was the strongest of them all.

But he was not. Lawliet knew that deep down inside—but he didn't know at all—that he was small, he was weak, he was just as significant as everyone else in the world. Everyone who was living at the present was going to forget about him, and those whom everyone tell about him will die out as well, and soon enough, the universe will forget about him. And his place in the world will disappear, and everything will disappear, and nothing will matter anymore. All his work, all his knowledge, everything he has given to the world—all of it will be gone.

And what will he have left? He'll have his soul left, rotting in the place of nothing. Lawliet has always denied his right to go to heaven, because what kind of person needs to go to heaven? There was no such thing as eternal happiness. There couldn't be. Lawliet refused its existence. There could be no such thing. It broke all laws of logic, of reasoning, of everything in the world—

And the only law it didn't break, was the law of love.

Light was his light. Light was his small spark of perfection, his small peek into what love was. And Lawliet had taken that light, he had taken it and cherished it and, and he loved it. Light made Lawliet forget everything else—because Light matched up to him. Light knew almost as much as he did—almost, but not quite. But Lawliet had trusted him, and he knew it was a false trust, because one of the basic rules of the world was to absolutely trust no one, because anyone can deceive you. But Lawliet had placed his heart into Light. Lawliet had taken that light, relied on it to guide him, to guide him away from his dark hole of shadows, and to lead him into what was perfect. He had thought Light would teach him how to love.

Lawliet has never experienced the need to love, but with Light, all he wanted was to love. And now, in nothingness, he thinks how ironic it is—how Light's characters of his name meant God of the Moon, god of the darkness—but together, they meant light, they meant hope, they meant a reliable guide into righteousness. And Lawliet has always valued righteousness, over everything else.

But Lawliet should have seen through him, shouldn't he? How could he have relied on someone who was god of the darkness—a scoff escapes from his broken lips—to lead him into something that wasn't there? Something he's always wanted, never needed—how could he have thought that there was a real light? And Lawliet had never experienced the need for anything but knowledge, but he feels it was the way Light looked at him, the way Light thought of him, the way—the way, even though Lawliet tells himself that Light isn't his friend, never was his friend—that Light loved him. That Light was his friend. And he knew that all the old smiles were smiles that were thought to be pretenses, but Lawliet could see the truth, he could see the true light shining through him.

But then Light kills him. Light kills him, physically, and spiritually, in a sense, and it kills Lawliet. And it tells Lawliet that he should have never loved Light, that he should never have trusted him, that he should have never thought that he could actually need, that an actual human being, was his light. He never should have thought that Light could have led him out of his darkness, could have brought him into the light, could have reminded him that he didn't need a spark of knowledge as long as he had him, as long he had light, as long he had love. He never should have thought that he loved Light. He never should have even met him.

Because now he is gone. Because now, Lawliet is in eternal darkness. And Light, Light has led him nowhere but into the shadows, forever.

Lawliet tells himself that he never needed Light. Lawliet tells himself that he is a fool. And he tells him, he tells him that there is no such thing as light, because the only Light he has ever known was never a light, but only an everlasting shadow.


End file.
